Diagnosis - 08.02.25

Yesterday morning, I stepped into the waiting room of a private psychiatrist. Ill-fitting to the clinical decor, club music sounded from the speakers, just slightly louder than what would feel appropriate for a room like that. The hour long assessment ran over by 40 minutes and somehow still felt rushed. I walked away with three new diagnoses: CPTSD, autism and BPD. Although the “complex” prefix was new, post-traumatic stress disorder was almost a given, and I had been told I have it before. With my timeline, it would be miraculous to grow into a 20-year-old woman without it. Autism was also suspected, especially considering I have OCD which is

famously married to autism

. But BPD is a shock - I barely even knew what that phrase meant before now. When I told a few friends of the new addition to my health records, they began their condolences with “I know it has a bad reputation, but…”. I did research to find what they meant by that and I understand now that BPD is seen as this awful and abusive disease that makes you crazy and unsuitable for relationships. I don’t think I am truly a bad person, I try actively not to be. But having a label so closely tied with traits of bad people is heavy.

Last night, I went out to an open mic I frequent, knowing a group of situational friends would be there. I know them well enough to show and see them, but we really are not very close. I told one girl in the circle about the diagnosis and turns out, she has it as well. A rich conversation flowered and I feel differently about the condition now. She has mirrored my behaviour in her own life for years, and I never would have guessed it despite knowing her and speaking semi-regularly for months. It gave me hope that although these issues affect me deeply and daily, maybe it doesn’t show so much to everyone around me.

I am sorry this is not written out as eloquently as usual, I just needed to put this somewhere, and this page is for spare parts.