Extract from a longer entry, too private to put here.
It has been some time since I have written. I have been picked up in ---'s whirlwind completely and spat back out – again. I have been restricting myself so much lately in a hundred different ways: barely eating, barely spending money, monitoring everything I do and say to come across the least mentally ill. I know its good to avoid getting fat or broke, and to contain your problems without letting them affect other people, but its just not sustainable, I don't think. All that thinking and discipline and guilt when I inevitably don't reach my impossible standards – it winds me up until I just burst out in some erratic episode. In the last few days, I have been making an effort to just do whatever behaviour I truly want to do. I have been eating badly, relaxing a lot, being a bit of a doormat to --- and yesterday when he told me wanted another break, I was not civil. I wasn't awful, though. I genuinely didn't want to be nasty to him; I wasn't rude or insulting. I just sent him paragraphs about how I feel. And I called --- both at 7pm and at 2am because I was crying and wanted her motherly comfort. I know I probably scared him off even more with that behaviour, but some regretful part of me knows that I truly shouldn't be with him if him hearing about how I feel is enough to make him leave. I do genuinely think he loves me and wants to be with me, it's obvious by the way that we keep splitting and getting back together over and over, but the man is just terrified of commitment. I am certain it must be that. For ages, I thought he just wanted to fuck around and fuck with me at the same time and that was why he wouldn't make it official, but I really don't feel that, anymore. He is loving, sweet with me and affectionate in these none-sexual ways that are more soulful than just having sex. And ultimately, we always come back to each other.
[Section removed because it is too private for internet eyes.]
So, anyway. It is 10:53am and I haven't done anything today, yet. I slept very late and woke up very late. The house is messy, and I don't want to look at my phone. I want to pretend yesterday didn't happen. I feel deeply ashamed that I had another meltdown over something as simple as some MAN wanting space. But I need to be gentle on myself. I have mental health issues and sometimes they act up. I can't expect myself to be well, and I think anyone else with BPD would have also been triggered by this. Even when I am upset and angry, I was never mean or aggressive. Just overbearing. (Even though telling the man you're involved with about your feelings around him and his actions shouldn't be overbearing). I don't really know where to start with my day. I feel extremely dissociated. I think today just needs to be a take it easy day. No expectation to feel any better. I only have to live.