[Extract from a longer entry, too private for internet eyes.]
As much as Winter's bleak lack of daylight make me erratically depressed, Summer has its own effect on me: too much free time ALWAYS drives me crazy. Especially living alone in palm-sized apartment like I do. I am so grateful for this space and of course I recognise it as a privilege, but I would be lying if I said that it isn't lonely. It's extremely lonely. But I need to remind myself it isn't really the apartment that's lonely, it's my life and my mindset. I could easily find someone to be with right now, but I won't because my makeup is off and I can not perform right now. I think that's why I always want to be with ---. Because my mood and the status of my makeup doesn't matter with him. I also feel this level of comfort with --- and my new friend, ---, but I did something bad to --- without meaning to and now I am scared to see her, despite her telling me she forgives me and isn't mad at me. And --- has gone back to her hometown to weather the fallout of a breakup. I feel ill, I hate this.